Malcolm Turnbull sits down at his desk to write an essay for The Australian and the Sydney Morning Herald setting out why Australians should vote for him to be Prime Minister
OK... how to start... hmmm a tough question, after all this is a big moment, this is my moment in the sun, my time to show the nation (no the world!!) that I, Malcolm Bligh Turnbull, Rhodes Scholar, winner of all I have touched (well except that Republican thing, but my time will come... err the nation's time will come... when I am PM), the most vibrant, intelligent, over-achieving member of Australian's Parliament ever to set out my vision. It has all led to this, my life till this point has led to me becoming Prime Minister as I rightly deserve to be, and will be, and will ever be (and yes I shall be the greatest PM this nation has ever seen).
Time to set down some thoughts - that pip-squeak, IQ deficient, Mandarin-showing-off nobody of a public servant Rudd needed 6000 words, I only need 7 days to create the world ... (no not yet, keep those thoughts to myself, must not give away my omnipotence), no I only will need 3000 words (must remember to tell Matthew Franklin of The Australian to say it is only 2000 words - heck I'll get him to call it a "streamlined 2000 words", yes that will sound excellent).
What to do - should I start with a Biblical passage? No been doing that in parliament, hasn't seem to have caught on...Plato? No don't want to come over as some sort of philosopher... Maybe quote some Australian poet - show me as a man of the people...hmm Lawson? Judith Wright? John Laws??.... no... need to use my own words (after all they are better than anything anyone else could write, especially that verbose, verbiage devotee Rudd - see, I too can show off my perspicacity! Not like that Bloody Rudd! That little, bloody, fuc... no, no Malcolm. Must remain calm.)
Now, how to start...
I should be succinct and to the point.
I should outline my vision, intelligence and great worth for all to see.
My prose should be poetic and visceral; Hemmingwayesque with a dash of a Shakespearean flourish.
And because that might be a bit of a struggle, I'll also write only one sentence to each paragraph.
Alright, time to get to it, time to take my fountain pen in hand, and with Jeffersonian-like brilliance I shall set out my vision of Australia. I need to find the right words to start.... need to make sure the populous knows where my focus always is....aha! I've got it!
Kevin Rudd's latest manifesto acclaims the years ahead as "the building decade". So far, all the Prime Minister has built is a mountain of debt.
Sigh. Alas that is it in a nutshell for Turnbull. Yes, he may have used half the words that Rudd did last week (to which I ask, so?? - since when did being able to write 6000 words become an evil thing - surely having a PM - or opposition leader - who can write is a damn fine thing), but he offered a hell of a lot less than half the vision. All he could focus on was Kevin Rudd and debt.
Let's break it down. Turnbull wrote 3068 words (not sure what Matthew Franklin was on about with his 2000 words line). Of those words, I shall be generous and say 34 were on policies that the Liberal Party would put forward in government. Here they are:
Drawing on what we have learned, we have proposed a number of measures: tax loss carrybacks, fairer insolvency rules, better incentives for hiring apprentices and an assault on bureaucratically imposed regulation and compliance costs.
Yep, the small business measures that he came up with late last year, and which he put forward in his Budget Reply speech that had everyone thinking, huh? that's it?.
Thirty four words, or 1.1% of his essay on positive reasons why people should vote for the Liberal Party.
By contrast he wrote "debt" 26 times! He wrote "Rudd"31 times and "Prime Minister" 7 times. He is more focused on criticising Kevin Rudd (whom he mostly just refers to as "Rudd" - like he is some impostor who doesn't deserve to be called by his title) than outlining his plan for the future.
The reason for this has been obvious to all to see for some time now - Malcolm Turnbull's only vision for Australia is that he be Prime Minister, because he should be Prime Minister.
Lindsay Tanner has rightly pegged the essay as "a rant". It truly is, and contains only one sentence of any worth:
Australians are not gullible.
Given that Rudd leads Turnbull as preferred PM by 66% to 16%, I can say I fully agree with him.