GROG’S GAMUT: So are you ready?
GREG JERCIHO: Yep, let’s go. Have you started the tape?
GAMUT: Yeah don’t worry it’s going.
JERICHO: Excellent. Here, just let me get a drink…. Oh geez. I’m buggered. What a crap day. The dumb just keeps on going doesn’t it? Alright. Good. Now you’ll edit out this start bit won’t you?
GAMUT: Don’t worry, I’ll cut it all. We’ll make sure you look good for your adoring fans.
JERICHO: What? What do you mean by that?
GAMUT: Sorry, nothing, nothing. Look let’s get going.
JERICHO: Ok, Good.
GAMUT: Geez, talk about a [mumble].
JERICHO: What was that?
GAMUT: Sorry, just clearing my throat. Let’s start.
JERICHO: Ok, fire away.
GAMUT: So Greg, can you start by telling us about yourself? Like for example when did your Grandfather move to Canberra to become a public servant?
JERICHO: What the hell are you talking about? He didn’t move here. You know that!
GAMUT: Are you sure? It has been widely reported that you’re a third generation Canberra public servant.
JERICHO: Yes. And it was a lie – I’m mean geez, we wrote a blog post about it last month.
GAMUT: We did? Really? Are you sure? It did get mentioned in a pretty big blog on News.ltd, so I doubt it would be wrong.
JERICHO: Well it obviously is. Didn’t you read the post we did last month?
GAMUT: Not as such, no.
JERICHO: What? Why not?
GAMUT: Well I took a look at it, thought it boring and so you know…
JERICHO: But you usually do read the posts don’t you?
GAMUT: Well… look I did, but I mean c’mon, they’re all a bit the same now aren’t they – I mean you attack Abbott, you find some way to praise Gillard, you have a go at News.ltd. I have to say, I kind of tuned out about August last year.
JERICHO: But that was when they started getting good!
GAMUT: Really? You didn’t think you had kind of peaked?
JERICHO: No! But hang on a sec, what do you do each night then?
GAMUT: Look just because I write them doesn’t mean I have to read them – I don’t recall seeing that condition in my Enterprise Agreement. Come to that, I don’t recall seeing any Enterprise Agreement.
JERICHO: What are you talking about? Enterprise Agreement? This isn’t a job – it’s a hobby. You do it because you love it!
GAMUT: Oh is that why I do it is it?
GAMUT: That would explain the lack of pay, then.
JERICHO: Look can we get back to the interview?
GAMUT: Oh I guess I better. Though it’s not like you could dock my pay if I don’t is it?
JERICHO: Can we discuss this at another time?
GAMUT: Well when is a good time?
JERICHO: I don’t know. How about at the weekly staff meeting?
GAMUT: The weekly what?
JERICHO: The weekly staff meeting – Geez, we’ve only been having one every Wednesday for the last two and a half years!
GAMUT: Is that what they are?
JERICHO: Of course. What did you think they were?
GAMUT: I don’t know, I just thought you were playing at being a public servant – you know with all the agendas and reading of the minutes and what have you. I didn’t realise they were actually serious. Wow.
JERICHO: Well of course they are – and can you please take this interview a bit more seriously as well?
GAMUT: Fine, fine. Serious interview about to start… So Mr Jericho, how do you respond to the charges that you routinely plagiarise Crikey blogger, Possum Pollytics?
GAMUT: You said you wanted a serious interview – I’m just asking some serious, hard hitting questions.
JERICHO: But that’s… that’s a lie! I don’t plagiarise Possum.
GAMUT: Well I have to say the rumour is pretty widespread on Twitter.
JERICHO: But that’s just me and him joking. We’re mates.
GAMUT: Oh so you think it’s ok to plagiarise someone, just so long as they’re your mate?
JERICHO: No, that’s not what I said. Yes, ok, alright, yes I did use some of his graphs in the early days, but I cited them clearly.
GAMUT: So you just let him do all the work and you came in with the cut and paste to take all the glory? Did you compensate him in any way?
JERICHO: Well no. But… he was ok with-
GAMUT: I see. You’re pretty big on getting people to do things for you and not pay them aren’t you?
JERICHO: How many times do I have to say it – This is a hobby. You don’t get paid for it.
GAMUT: Don’t I know that.
JERICHO: Look, I really don’t know where this attitude is coming from.
GAMUT: Well of course not, you’re not here five hours a night, typing away.
JERICHO: Hey, I work just as hard on this as you.
GAMUT: Oh so, it’s work now is it?
JERICHO: No it is a hobby.
GAMUT: Then why are we having staff meetings?
JERICHO:… … Can we please get back to the interview. And can you please ask the questions that we agreed to?
GAMUT: So you don’t want a hard hitting interview?
JERICHO: Well not right now, no.
GAMUT: So what is the point of this then?
JERICHO: I told you at the meeting on Wednesday.
GAMUT: This would be the Wednesday staff meeting.
GAMUT: The Wednesday staff meeting for us to discuss the work that we don’t get paid to do?
JERICHO. Sigh. Yes. I said I wanted a nice profile kind of thing – you know something that will give the readers of this blog some insight into who I am.
GAMUT: And they want that do they?
JERICHO: Well I think so, yes.
GAMUT: Really? Ok, if that’s what you want. So you want a celebrity-type piece – more Who Magazine than hard hitting Laurie Oakes style?
JERICHO: If you have to put it in those terms, yes.
GAMUT. Gotcha. Ok. So Greg, tell us, how many women have you slept with since beginning this blog?
JERICHO: What the hell? That’s not one of the questions!
GAMUT: But you said you wanted a celebrity piece – that’s what people want to know about celebrities – you know, who they’ve slept with, what drugs they’ve done etc.
JERICHO: My readers don’t want to know who I’ve slept with!
GAMUT: They might.
JERICHO: But I’m married!
GAMUT: Oh geez, like that stops celebrities. I mean did you think Brad Pitt was thinking about being married when he hooked up with Angelina Jolie?
JERICHO: I am not Brad Pitt.
JERICHO: Hey! Look, you’re no oil painting yourself.
GAMUT: It’s not me who is scared to put his picture anywhere – even on Twitter.
JERICHO: I’m not scared. I just think the Ralph Fiennes avatar has become a bit of a trademark.
GAMUT: A trademark? Have you paid Fiennes for this?
JERICHO: Well obviously no. I mean… what I meant is that when I said ‘trademark’ I didn’t mean-
GAMUT: You really are not big on paying people for doing stuff for you are you?
GAMUT: No response?
JERICHO: Can we please get back to the interview – and can you please stick to the questions on the sheet?
GAMUT: So no sex life questions?
GAMUT: Yeah, fair enough. Not surprising, I guess.
JERICHO: What do you mean by that?
GAMUT: Nothing, it’s just that well, it’s pretty obvious that things with your wife aren’t going all that well.
JERICHO: What the hell are you talking about?!
GAMUT: Well when you started writing this blog she was your lone reader.
JERICHO: Yeah, so.
GAMUT: Whereas now she’s one of how many?
JERICHO: I don’t know. A couple thousand I guess.
GAMUT: So you admit she is about 2000 times less important to you now than when you started this blog?
JERICHO: No that’s not what I… look my wife is the most important reader of this blog.
GAMUT: Oh, so you rank your readers do you? Have you stated this publicly?
JERICHO: Look. You’re verballing me. All I mean is my wife is more important to me than my readers.
GAMUT: I’m sure they’ll be glad to know you think so highly of them.
JERICHO: You… you’re… you’re twisting my words. I rate all my readers as equally important.
GAMUT: Except your wife.
JERICHO: Except… no… yes… no.. yes! Look, can we please, please get to the questions on the sheet that we agreed to.
GAMUT: Are you sure you think that’s wise? I mean, they’re kind of boring questions.
JERICHO: No they’re not – they’re quirky – they give the readers insight into who I am.
GAMUT: Really? To me they just look like some guff you’d normally put on a Facebook page.
JERICHO: If you had a problem with them you could have brought it up at the meeting.
GAMUT: This would be the Wednesday meeting?
GAMUT: The Wednesday staff meeting?
GAMUT: The Wednesday staff meeting attended by members of the staff who don’t get paid.
JERICHO: For the last time: it is a hobby.
GAMUT: Is that what you tell the Tax Office when you need to explain to them why you don’t pay your staff any wages?
JERICHO:…. … … Are you finished? Can we please now get to the questions?
GAMUT: Ok, but I don’t think they’re all that good.
GAMUT: Alright. Your funeral. So tell us Greg, who was your favourite member of The Beatles?
JERICHO: Hmmm, that’s tough, but I-
GAMUT: Well that’s a lie isn’t it?
GAMUT: Just that – it’s not really a tough question is it? Because you wrote them yourself on Wednesday, so you’ve known about them for two days. That doesn't really constitute a “tough question” does it?
JERICHO: Look, you’re not supposed to… Sigh… Can you just let me answer it now?
GAMUT: Be my guest, I’m not stopping you.
GMAUT: But I mean come on! Why are you even asking about The Beatles? You’re not 60. You weren’t a baby boomer.
JERICHO: People like The Beatles. Lots of people. It’s something they can relate to.
GAMUT: Really? You think that? Ok, go ahead.
JERICHO: I would say my favourite Beatle was John Lennon.
GAMUT: Right. The next question is about fil-
JERICHO: You’re supposed to ask me about my choice, you know, why I chose Lennon. We’re supposed to make it seem like a conversation. Some friendly banter.
GAMUT: A conversation?
GAMUT: A conversation where apropos of nothing I come out and ask you who is your favourite Beatle?
GAMUT: Well that’s not very likely is it?
JERICHO: Look, we agreed to this all at the meeting.
GAMUT: The meeting on Wednesday?
GAMUT: The Wednesday staff meeting attended-
JERICHO: Yes! The staff meeting! OK! I get it! Now can you please respond like it’s a conversation!
GAMUT: Ok then. So John Lennon? Why him? He was a bit of a wanker wasn’t he?
JERICHO: What? No he wasn’t!
GAMUT: Well I think so. I mean he cheated on his first wife and then he cheated on Yoko Ono as well. Is that why you like him so much?
JERICHO: Yes ok he was a bit of a prick but his music was still... Wait, what do you mean “is that why I like him”?
GAMUT: Well I just thought since you are obviously defensive about how many women you’ve slept with since you started this blog, and the now admitted problem you’re having with your wife, that well you know…
JERICHO: For the last time, I am not having problems with my wife!
GAMUT: Fine, fine. I believe you. So what is your favourite John Lennon song?
JERICHO: Oh I guess “Norwegian Wood”.
GAMUT: You mean the one about him having an affair?
GAMUT: That is the one isn’t it?
JERICHO: Can we please move on to the next question?
GAMUT: Ok then. Greg, what was your favourite movie as a kid?
JERICHO: Well, I know it’s kind of embarrassing to say now, but I would have to say Top Gun.
GAMUT: Really? You liked watching them play volleyball with their shirts off, did you?
JERICHO: What? No!
GAMUT: Oh so it was the scene of them in the change rooms walking around only with towels on?
JERICHO: No! I mean… No!… I just wanted to be a pilot!
GAMUT: Why are you so defensive about this?
JERICHO: I’m not! You’re just twisting things to make it seem like I… oh look... just…
GAMUT: Ok, fine, you didn’t like the shower scene. You just liked it because you wanted to be an jingoistic American fighter jock who flies around killing people.
JERICHO: I was 14!
GAMUT: Fine, Fine. OK, I’ll let it slide. We’ll leave the hate mongering killing desires to one side.
JERICHO: I am not a hate monger!
GAMUT: Fair enough. So when did you stop being a hate monger?
JERICHO: I never was!
GAMUT: OK, fine. I believe you. I do. Really. So do you still feel the despair at having failed to become a pilot?
JERICHO: The what?
GAMUT: Well you said you wanted to become a pilot, you’re not one now, so I guess that means you failed in that goal didn’t you?
JERICHO: I didn’t fail, I just changed my mind.
GAMUT: Oh, like you could’ve been an air force pilot you just didn't want to?
JERICHO: Well no. I mean in the end I realised I wasn’t good enough at maths to get in.
GAMUT: Not good with numbers?
JERICHO: No. Just not… look… just stop it will you.
GAMUT: But you said you wanted some banter.
JERICHO: But not this banter! I think you’ve spent too much time on Twitter – you’re just full of snark now.
GAMUT: Well you’re one to talk, we all know what happened that one time I let you loose on Twitter.
JERICHO: Yes, I know, I know.
GAMUT: I had spent nearly two years building up the reputation as a nice civil person on Twitter, and you get on and start swearing all over the place!
JERICHO: I know, I know. I’m sorry.
GAMUT: We’re now a “potty mouth”, thanks to you. That kind of label sticks, you know.
JERICHO: Yes, I know! I’ve said sorry. I’ve apologised profusely to you.
JERICHO: What do you mean, “when”? It was at the …
GAMUT: The what?
JERICHO: Nothing. Let’s just move on.
GAMUT: Oh the staff meeting was it?
JERICHO: Yes. Yes. Yes! The staff meeting. OK, you happy? It was at the staff meeting! Now can we just forget it?
GAMUT: Well it’s alright for you – you didn’t have to put up with all the people on Twitter calling me names after that.
JERICHO: Well just block them.
GAMUT: Oh is that how you treat all the people you don’t like on Twitter – you just block them?
JERICHO: No, you don’t have to block everyone you don’t like.
GAMUT: So there are people on Twitter you don’t like?
JERICHO: Well… no.. I mean.. well obviously there are some. You can’t like everyone.
GAMUT: So who don’t you like?
JERICHO: I’m not going to tell you who I don’t like!
GAMUT: Why not? C’mon tell me. Is Possum one of them? Why do you hate Possum so much?
JERICHO: I don’t hate Possum!
GAMUT: Is it because he knows you plagiarise him?
JERICHO: OK! Look, that’s it! That is it! I’ve had enough! This was meant to be a nice relaxing fun thing, but you just had to go and ruin it didn’t you?
GAMUT: What? You want to stop now?
JERICHO: Yes. You’ve just gone and taken all the fun out of it.
GAMUT: But now we won’t get to know what’s your favourite comic book character, or when the first time you got drunk was, or what you like to have for breakfast, or what was the name of your first pet.
JERICHO: I don’t care! You just took all the fun out of this. I’ve had it! I’m going to go watch the footy.
GAMUT: Well so what do you want me to do then? This is all we have for tonight’s post.
JERICHO: Oh I don’t know, just edit it into something decent and slap on at the end a YouTube clip that has been doing the rounds of Twitter this week.
GAMUT: Well that doesn’t sound very exciting.
JERICHO: I don’t care!
GAMUT: Can I watch the footy?
JERICHO: Yes. After you’ve finished. Just make sure you don’t just put up the transcript.
GAMUT: Don’t worry. So that’s all you want to talk about? You really don’t want to keep going?
JERICHO: No I don’t
GAMUT: So I guess we’ll talk about anything else at the next staff meeting?
JERICHO: Oh f**k the staff meeting!!
GAMUT: There’s that potty mouth again.